belated love
It's my party & I'll cry if I want to…
Okay, I did not cry during my party but before & after… you betcha. Moving on! First, I missed you, sorry I’m late.
I made you a playlist to keep & I’ll try to make this one shorter.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
My window seat on the struggle bus is comfortable. I was lucky enough to have a birthday a couple weeks ago. I kept it simple & felt a sense of honor as my friends assembled to help me bring in the next revolution(phew, there is so much to love about).
The distraction that celebration offers, is the best, especially in the setting of a house(my house!) party where I have the most control(in theory), but I was overwhelmed.
Celebrating is bittersweet. I find the whole thing complex & it’s difficult for me to fully indulge. Don’t get me wrong, my Leo heart will bask in attention… but also, don’t look at me. Not like that. But wait, look at me—do you think I’m good? Am I doing all this right?
My therapist said your body has a biological reaction for a month before & after your birth day; all that change roiling around on a cellular level. No wonder I pause before reveling in joy because, my entire body is hard at work. It’s also the people & pieces of my story I’ve lost. Funny how loud a memory can scream. There’s the friendships that became hollow & dried up despite the love/nourishment I gave.
And then it hit me that I ’m now three years older than my brother was when he died & I think I’ve forgotten the way he laughed. I can hear it if I focus but what I muster is too faint to trust. I’ve worked hard to collect coping mechanisms(some healthy, some not) but it is hard to recall them on the days that are supposed to be the sweetest. Needless to say for weeks leading up to & after, I’m in turbulent waters. I never know what I’ll find, but I’m familiar with my surroundings & from where I’m drifting, I can still see the shore.
SOME THINGS I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
Addiction & the ripples it sends into every relationship.
Living alone has pros but it is… not good for my mind.
I didn’t drink enough water.
I finished two books.
I have so much time & not enough.
Sonya Massey should be alive… I wonder how her children are doing. I wonder how her parents are doing.
This country & it’s capacity to break hearts with ease, leaves me breathless.
I’ve been applying to jobs but I keep getting responses like: we have ultimately decided to move forward with other candidates at this time. It has me questioning everything. I don’t want to eat peanut butter out of the jar while my dog stares & repeat self worth mantras, but I will. Do I change career paths? Should I go back to school? I’m tired of thinking about money. I hate how much I think about money. In a conversation with my mom(the first in nearly a month), she said I should join the Harris/Walz campaign (we either discuss animals or politics, sigh). She’s not wrong but it doesn’t feel right. She also suggested I make a flyer with “available for hire” & share it on Facebook. She is… trying?
I was able to get out of the house a few times. I met a friend for a walk around Walnut Creek. There was a lot of laughter, fossils & we made breakfast together after. I am so lucky.
Lastly, James Baldwin would have turned 100 this year. I long to know what he would say about the goings on & this box set is not a want but a need.
Some Mourning Pages
How many ways do you purge?
I saw a version of this in print & created my own. It’s very cathartic, it took me hours to finish a spread. I loved the intention in each word & how some of them tugged at me hard enough to repeat.
I was telling a friend how most days I feel paralyzed. I have plenty to do & people who tend to me & yet, I can’t move throughout the days as easily as I used to.
The pets help, friends help. I’ve accepted that this is a year of humility & tending to my foundation.
“I am so lucky & this is still really fucking hard”
I made a new friend & we makin’ somethin’
I was introduced to these in art class in college. We’d be given a theme & the project consisted of make a compelling zine (mini magazine) on the subject. I’ve always loved collage. Anytime I had the opportunity to chop magazines, calendars, photographs, I would. I think of zines as these beautiful messy little thought books. Tiny collections that allow the viewer to pop into the brain space of the maker.
The theme of this upcoming collaboration will be about time & the juncture of transition. There are multiple creatives contributing to the writing & imagery. I’m including a few poems. It’s coming along beautifully. We wanted to dive into time as a metric & how much time we spend reaching/wanting. How most of time is spent recalibrating, because the only constant is change. There’s so many ways we process it together & apart.
Yeah so, a little existential but this is where my head is a lot & maybe you’re just as into it as I am. Let me know if you want a copy<3
Things that stuck
The Olympics(besides the wreckage to the environment-gulp) were incredible. France was a great host & yes I did watch this at least a dozen times.
Is this a gorgeous conversation or a gut punch? Regardless, please enjoy a vulnerable hour with poet, Ocean Vuong & musician, Sam Smith that still has me in my feelings.
I watched “Slave Play” the documentary a couple weeks ago & it’s been on my mind ever since. Here’s a recent profile of Jeremy O. Harris, the playwright, that I found captivating.
Oh & this incredible choreo that popped up one of those afterparty YouTube takeovers you fall in when it’s so late but no one wants to tap out. Yes, we screamed the chorus at 4am because it still HITS!
I’m leaving now but sharing this gives me so much joy, so thank you from the bottom of achy heart for getting to the end & sharing some space & time with lil ole me. Take true care.
xoxo, d.